My spiritual journey: Internal world

The anger simmered in the late teen years. Soothed by music, but still it was there just under the surface. I didn't know it at the time, but I had ADHD, and that caused issues in dealing with the material world. They thought I was lazy and not paying attention. I was really just bored and wished they would get to the point. Classes in school were frightfully boring. History almost got interesting, and creative writing was fun. Beyond that, I didn't care much.

I didn't at first know what the more important things were, but I was beginning to see my own internal world. The landscape of my own imagination, my own take on the world, and often the rest was just noise. The music would take me there, and to some extent I even made my own. I understood the spirituality of music. It was something that could transport me back to the rainbow river at times, but that was becoming just a faded memory. A nebulous thing of feeling good ant not knowing or caring why. I thought it was just the music.

After the Beatles broke up, they were doing individual albums. George Harrison – all spiritual and eastern influenced – made some great music. His song My Sweet Lord became my anthem.

These lyrics ..

I really want to see you
Really want to be with you
Really want to see you, Lord
But it takes so long, my Lord

That was how I felt, but how to do that? My internal landscape was barren, and while music was an oasis, it tended to dry up at times. The song stayed with me, haunting me. Church had rules and external trappings that could make you look religious. Harrison seemed to be on to something, but even he lamented that it took so long. So the search continued, and music was a huge part of that.

Church was about how people acted - the external aspects. I was more interested in learning about God - about relating to my internal world, but seemed unable to find a way to do so. It just seemed the internal world should be first, and the external world would be a natural reflection of that. That was the cause of the dissonance, or disconnect I had with the church.