My spiritual journey: Hope at last

I had tried reading the bible some, and even knew a few verses. It was hard to understand. Someone gave me a Living Bible late in my high school years, and that did change things. This was controversial at the time. The King James Version was seen as the gold standard, and some even thought the Living Bible was from the devil. I was a little surprised when I asked my pastor about it, and he said if you were reading the bible - even the Living Bible - that was a good thing.

And I did read it. I could understand it, and it was really enjoyable. I devoured it. I read the whole thing over a few weeks, and then started again. The barren landscape of my internal world began to not be so bleak. I just enjoyed the stories. I was beginning to get an idea about God and what God was all about.

It never occurred to me that these were actual stories of actual events. My first reaction to actually reading the bible was one of wonder and mystery. This mystery was different though. Before God seemed distant, unknowable. Now, it began to be knowable, but the mysteries remained. There was at least the possibility of understanding a little bit and that gave me hope.

Later on when I heard that you should take every story and every word literally, I just shrugged and didn't know if that made sense or not. I didn't care really. Just as I was well aware of my own internal world, which did not always line up with the external world, I felt this was a glimpse into the inner world of God himself. The stories were the point, not whether it was a literal account of history.

There was also something mystical about reading the words. They were different than other words. This was no ordinary book. My barren internal landscape began to bloom with color and shape. The rainbow river began to flow again.

The only problem was that it seemed like what they taught in church didn't line up with what I was reading in the Bible.  Church seemed focused on rules, things you did and so forth. Jesus said to love your neighbor and that was the fulfillment of the law. To me it was a contradiction anyway. 

My spiritual journey: Internal world

The anger simmered in the late teen years. Soothed by music, but still it was there just under the surface. I didn't know it at the time, but I had ADHD, and that caused issues in dealing with the material world. They thought I was lazy and not paying attention. I was really just bored and wished they would get to the point. Classes in school were frightfully boring. History almost got interesting, and creative writing was fun. Beyond that, I didn't care much.

I didn't at first know what the more important things were, but I was beginning to see my own internal world. The landscape of my own imagination, my own take on the world, and often the rest was just noise. The music would take me there, and to some extent I even made my own. I understood the spirituality of music. It was something that could transport me back to the rainbow river at times, but that was becoming just a faded memory. A nebulous thing of feeling good ant not knowing or caring why. I thought it was just the music.

After the Beatles broke up, they were doing individual albums. George Harrison – all spiritual and eastern influenced – made some great music. His song My Sweet Lord became my anthem.

These lyrics ..

I really want to see you
Really want to be with you
Really want to see you, Lord
But it takes so long, my Lord

That was how I felt, but how to do that? My internal landscape was barren, and while music was an oasis, it tended to dry up at times. The song stayed with me, haunting me. Church had rules and external trappings that could make you look religious. Harrison seemed to be on to something, but even he lamented that it took so long. So the search continued, and music was a huge part of that.

Church was about how people acted - the external aspects. I was more interested in learning about God - about relating to my internal world, but seemed unable to find a way to do so. It just seemed the internal world should be first, and the external world would be a natural reflection of that. That was the cause of the dissonance, or disconnect I had with the church.