My spiritual journey: Rebel without a clue

It all sounds negative in some ways. There were questions that had no answers. There was being misunderstood. There was angst in the things I did not know.  At least to some degree though, I did know what I didn't know, and I knew that was a good thing.

I was still attracted to religion, like a moth drawn to a flame perhaps. There was this God-awareness that was always there just beneath the surface. I tried to sort out all the different groups and all the different beliefs. Why would God be divided, I wondered, as did St. Paul. I gravitated to non-denominational churches, not realizing this in itself was a division.

Separating all the different theologies was the salve that soothed me in many ways. It is said a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and in some ways it was.  I could proof-text as well as anyone, and became adept and finding a phrase that fit in with what I wanted to believe.

Debating various theologies, I learned how to defend my own and discredit anyone else.  Some victories and some losses, but it always left me wanting. Wanting what I'm not sure. There was still something missing. How can you know? was my question. How can you know God?  Even though I did have that God-Awareness, there was still something I could not define.

This caused some people to stop believing in God, or to at least stop believing in religion.

I never could imagine not believing in God. How could you not believe in something that is obvious? To me, that was like doubting the existence of the Sun, or the earth itself.  This was no cause for boosting my ego and it did not make me feel better.  It actually made me feel worse.

This was my scenario.
I know for certain God exists.
Religion must know God, at least  I think it should.
Religion cannot answer my questions.
God won't answer them either.

Frustration and anger boiled. Which is worse? Knowing there are answers and not being able to find any answers or just not believing there are any answers in the first place?