My spiritual jouney: Learning the religions

From college days an onward for a while, I sought new ideas. Learning new things was actually a lot of fun, and even interesting in most cases. I found there were a lot of interpretations and variations on religion in my area, even though this was southern Appalachia where it is pretty much all Christian.
I studied some theology in college and found it fascinating. There was also the general study of religion itself, which was also interesting. I Checked out a lot of groups over a few years, staying with most a few months.

Each group thought it was the best of course, and they wanted you to join up with them. That wasn't really enough though, in most cases they wanted you to also help them criticize the other groups.
I saw that a lot, but it wasn't always the case. And I had my own legalistic moments I'm sure.
There were some groups I liked.

The Presbyterians and their systematic theology appealed to me in a great way. Theology should make sense, they said, and that sounded great. I had always wanted for it to make sense and be at least for the most part reasonable and logical.  So we interpreted the Bible in that light, and we studied theology. It was good, but it was academic in many respects. That was partly because it was at university, but it was also partly because of the people involved. I was as guilty as any of them of just focusing on the mental aspects, and even denigrating the emotional aspects.

Maybe God was telling me something by then exposing me to the charismatics. They believed you could "name and claim" anything you wanted because you were a child of God. If you had enough faith you could move mountains. It didn't help much that the person telling me all this had a cold the next day and could not just make it go away.  But I did like their spirit and their music.  I liked the way they seemed sold out to what they believed in. There were some good things here, and they had the spirit. There was a lot I liked about them, but the glaring problem was that "name it and claim it" just didn't work. It also was not in the bible as far as I could tell.

Again a great divide was presenting itself.
Should I go with the systematic theology that appealed to my brain, or with the name it and claim it crowd that appealed to my emotions.  What I really wanted was a church that had both. A place that could engage the mind and heart as one. I found a few places that claimed to be that, but eventually, they would lean far to one side.
Of course, there were other groups. There were the fire and brimstone, hellfire preachers, but they didn't grab my imagination at all. There was the middle of the road groups like the Baptists or Methodists, or even the non-denominational groups, and they seemed ok. They just didn't inspire me the way the Presbyterians or charismatics did.

As time went on I started noticing a strange thing inside myself. Whenever I would meet a new group there were be a sort of "inner witness" or inner voice that either said yes or no. It seemed to tell me to listen to this person but not that person. Very often I would find out the voice was correct and that the one it warned me about was not real or true.
I didn't have words for this at the time, and could barely even consciously notice it, but at the same time, I knew it was there. I didn't know what to make of it and didn't understand it enough to even talk about it.

The ideology of Judas and his betrayal of Jesus

Judas betrayed Jesus because his ideology clouded how he saw the Messiah

Judas betrayed Jesus. Then filled with remorse, he went and hanged himself. He obviously was not expecting Jesus to be arrested, or for things to go the way they did. His name is the traitor.
But why would he do this?
He had walked with Jesus for three years. He had heard the teaching and seen the miracles. He was part of the inner circle.
He betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver, which was a good chunk of change, but it wasn't all that much. It wasn't for the money. And it is clear from the Biblical stories, the outcome was not what Judas expected.
It even seems that Jesus was egging him on in some ways.
The religious leaders wanted rid of Jesus, and they were looking for a way to make that happen. They were also well aware of the politics of the situation. It would be a public relations nightmare if they did anything to him. They needed someone to “lay the charge.” They needed an excuse, and they wanted the hated Romans to do the deed so they would appear innocent.
If it was one of his own disciples who betrayed him, that was even better, so they were happy to pay whatever price was needed. It seems Judas did what God wanted in some ways, it wasn't necessary for it to be him. That doesn't get him off the hook.
He still betrayed Jesus. But the question remains. Why? What could his motivation really have been?
It's always intrigued me, what happened after the betrayal.
Judas and many others of the day wanted Jesus to overthrow Rome. They wanted the Messiah to come, but they had formed the idea that the primary duty of the Messiah was to overthrow Rome and set up the kingdom of Israel again. Since that was what they wanted, and indeed that is part of the Old Testament prophecy, they had no room for any other kind of Messiah. Their anti-Rome ideology colored everything they saw, including how they saw the Messiah.
Judas may have thought his action would set the wheels in motion. Jesus would be arrested, he would call down angels out of heaven to rain fire on Rome, and would then lead the revolution. Judas' dreams for his country would be realized, and of course, he would no doubt hold a high position in Jesus kingdom. He may have even thought he was doing what Jesus wanted.
He heard the teachings of Jesus. Maybe he even heard Jesus tell them that he would be crucified and that he had come for that purpose. He might have even heard Jesus say blessed are the poor, turn the other cheek and so forth.
But Judas was blinded by ideology. He had an agenda and the Messiah was going to fulfill that agenda. He came to Jesus with preconceived notions as to who the Messiah would be, so it was hard for him to see the real message.
Thinking beyond the betrayal itself. How did Judas get to this point? How did his ideology affect his actions? How did his ideology cause him to miss the message? Is there a message here for us today? How does ideology affect how you perceive the world?

My spiritual journey: The spirit against the flesh

Why must we compartmentalize things? Why do I compartmentalize things?
This is spiritual, that is not. This is physical, this is mental, this is spiritual. I was as guilty as anyone of doing it, but even as I did, I wondered if there was not a better way.
Changing channels on the TV. My inner world seemed that way most of the time.
It was easier I guess and that may be why we do it. Inner turmoil can rage at times. The desires of the spirit go against the desires of the flesh, and then there are desires of other people who want various things.  I didn't even know what I wanted.
Then there was the idea of good and evil. Like the Greeks,  I felt the spirit and the flesh were like oil and water. They could not mix. Everything in the flesh was evil, everything of the spirit was good. That is a simplistic approach, and it solves things in some ways but creates a dissonance that is hard to overcome.
There were mountain tops and valleys in those days. Hot and bleak deserts, but also glorious mountain peaks that were beyond description.  You don't really understand the mountain tops without understanding the desert.
Inevitably there was performance-based acceptance.
And detours into sensuality, which of course I thought was wrong because flesh was wrong.
Faith endured though. So many questions without answers, it was just easier to put things in their compartment and never let them mix.

My spiritual journey: Rebel without a clue

It all sounds negative in some ways. There were questions that had no answers. There was being misunderstood. There was angst in the things I did not know.  At least to some degree though, I did know what I didn't know, and I knew that was a good thing.

I was still attracted to religion, like a moth drawn to a flame perhaps. There was this God-awareness that was always there just beneath the surface. I tried to sort out all the different groups and all the different beliefs. Why would God be divided, I wondered, as did St. Paul. I gravitated to non-denominational churches, not realizing this in itself was a division.

Separating all the different theologies was the salve that soothed me in many ways. It is said a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and in some ways it was.  I could proof-text as well as anyone, and became adept and finding a phrase that fit in with what I wanted to believe.

Debating various theologies, I learned how to defend my own and discredit anyone else.  Some victories and some losses, but it always left me wanting. Wanting what I'm not sure. There was still something missing. How can you know? was my question. How can you know God?  Even though I did have that God-Awareness, there was still something I could not define.

This caused some people to stop believing in God, or to at least stop believing in religion.

I never could imagine not believing in God. How could you not believe in something that is obvious? To me, that was like doubting the existence of the Sun, or the earth itself.  This was no cause for boosting my ego and it did not make me feel better.  It actually made me feel worse.

This was my scenario.
I know for certain God exists.
Religion must know God, at least  I think it should.
Religion cannot answer my questions.
God won't answer them either.

Frustration and anger boiled. Which is worse? Knowing there are answers and not being able to find any answers or just not believing there are any answers in the first place?

My spiritual journey: A dim enlightenment

As I got into reading more and studying more about religion, and Christianity in particular, I saw a dichotomy in the religious world. This was when I was in college, and just starting to see the whole wide world out there, and all the things that could be studied.
That included the Bible and religious literature.
It seemed to me the scriptures were about love and peace, about having a relationship with God. It seemed like religion - Christianity - was more about following rules.
By rules, I mean the rules of religion, not rules found in the bible. The scriptural rules are pretty clear. Don't steal, hurt others, avoid sexual sins and such. The church rules were different. Things like length of hair, whether you drank alcohol or smoked, seemed to be a big deal in a lot of the churches. There were also rules about music that some followed.
And then I read in the New Testament, in the gospels, about how Jesus was always getting on the religious people for making religion about rules and not about following God.
What really didn't make sense to me was what actually happened when you bought into the rules scenario. On one side you had those that were fairly blatant hypocrites who claimed to follow the rules but really didn't. On the other hand, were a more graceful bunch, who said you just had to try as hard as you could, and while you would fail that would be good enough.
There were those that claimed they did follow the rules and if you missed just one you lost your salvation and would go to hell immediately. I never took the third group very seriously. I did not approve of the first group so by my default was that second group. Just try hard as you can and that will be enough. Well it wasn't enough and I didn't like it, but it was the least objectionable of the options I was aware of at the time.
Not believing in God was not an option. I knew people that did not. But I remembered the dreams of my youth. I remembered a rainbow river where I met with God before I had even heard of god. As I have said, I knew about God before I ever saw a book or knew how to read.
But figuring out just what that meant, and what I should do about it, was hard.  I found very few people who even understood my questions.
Those things became a distant memory, and I think I was actually distracted by academia. Learning about God, the bible, theology and such, was very interesting. It was also fun to "defend" the faith
and my theology. It became a convenient place to hide. I put my questions away and went with the flow for many years.